Viva Millard!

There’s an old saying that goes “History is written by the victors”. Independent filmmaker Nick Millard was a rebel. A revolutionary. And in this sense, a “loser”. Neither Hollywood or the general public have any idea who he is. For them, his movies constitute cinematic terrorism. Like pipe bombings, they’re homemade, painful to sit through, and cause mass confusion. In my view, they’re some of the best movies ever. Millard’s one regret was never making it big or having a hit. But what if he did? What if his coup d’etats were successful? Suppose he met the right people, received proper funding, and cranked out a masterpiece. Imagine A-list directors Quentin Tarantino and Eli Roth running around citing him as an influence. People would be singing a different tune, praising Millard’s work as daring, artistic, and raw. My point is, opinions are very easily influenced by others, especially those at the top. That’s why I’m doing my part to challenge perceptions and spread the word about treasures such as

The Terrorists opens outside US Army McGraw Kaserne, a military installation in Munich, Germany. Half the movie was filmed there, presumably during a vacation Millard and company took to visit his wife’s side of the family. The other half was filmed back home in the San Francisco Bay area. A soldier patrols the perimeter. It’s hard to tell, but it could be Millard’s nephew Royal again. A woman named Ingrid watches him from a car. “Morgan has just come on duty.” she notes. This is for sure the same actress who played Jean in Satan’s Black Wedding. She has an IMDb page for that role as Zarrah Whiting and another for this one as “Christian Kazan”.

Her partner, Albert Eskinazi, loads a shotgun. His defining feature, his chin, is just out of frame. That’s like filming a porno and missing the money shot. Or failing to capture the game-winning touchdown. So far, this setup reminds me of Gunblast. Ingrid pulls up next to the guard. Eskinazi blows him away. The guard throws himself against a gate in a crane stance. I’m so happy Eskinazi survived.

Marland Proctor walks through an airport to a taxi and is driven to the scene of the crime. His chin and mouth are also cut off at times. Millard’s wife Irmgard Millard is reporting on the events. She tells us a group of radicals calling itself La Guerra Del Puebla — the People’s War — claimed responsibility for the drive-by shooting. This “group” has only two members, the ones we just saw. Here’s where Millard’s trademark anti-American sentiment creeps in. The seemingly platonic pair opposes US support of South American dictators, which of course was a thing in the 60s and 70s. Their Spanish moniker signifies solidarity with the peoples of Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, etc. Millard considered the US the greatest country on Earth because he was able to follow his dream, but wasn’t afraid to criticize it and call shit like he saw it.

Proctor meets with a Colonel played by Barrett Cooper. Their conversation is staged exactly the same as their scenes together in Alcatraz Breakout. Cooper berates Proctor from a desk in front of a blank wall and flag while Proctor smarts off. There is no mention of cacti. Cooper is the spitting image of Sam the Eagle from The Muppets. We learn that Proctor is Captain James Luke of the Army Criminal Investigation Unit and the slain guard was no ordinary soldier, but the son of a congressman. Cooper is displeased that Luke was assigned to his command because he often leaves a path of destruction. Luke’s arm is in a sling for some reason. Since it doesn’t really factor into the story, I’m going to assume Proctor broke it for real. This instantly made me think of Millard’s One-armed Warrior, about which nothing is known. Chances are high it stars Proctor in a sling. Luke asks Cooper if the guard had a history of drug use or homosexurality, with an “r”. At least it sounds like he says it that way.

Credit: Disney

Inspector Paul Steger (Millard’s brother-in-law Hans Grabinger), Munich Police, is on the case too. This guy is so bad he had to have been a relative. Steger goes door to door asking people if they heard or saw anything in his thick German accent, mumbling like his mouth is sewn shut. He’d make an excellent ventriloquist. The second apartment he comes to just so happens to house a wanted bank robber. The bank robber grabs a revolver and approaches his front door. There’s a shower curtain behind him. What kind of apartment opens into a bathroom? He asks who it is. Police, Steger replies. The bank robber fires through his mail slot. Steger shoots the knob and gains entry. They each take a doorway, popping out to fire on each other until the bank robber is hit.

Meanwhile, Eskinazi’s character, going by the super-secret codename “The Professor”, wraps up a lecture on political revolution, stating it’s possible to overthrow oppressive regimes. Huh, he’s an actual professor. As Bert AKA Sandcooler wrote in his awesome review, “Talk about hiding in plain sight!” The insurgent’s black turtleneck against the blackboard makes him look like a floating head. He exits the university where he teaches, gets in the orange coupe he drives in The Cemetery Sisters, and zips to a rural location. A weapons dealer named Helmut is waiting. Helmut strongly resembles Irmgard’s nephew Maximillian Grabinger (star of Dracula in Vegas), so I proclaim him Maximillian’s dad. The Professor buys some plastic explosives and says next time he needs a rifle with a telescopic sight.

Back in the ugly apartment, Irmgard is talking with Steger. Look how much of her face is missing below! We’re all the way up to her nose. Pretty soon, there won’t be anything left of these characters. Irmgard reminds Steger this is the third person he’s killed in the line of duty and urges him to give his side of the story to the press. He refuses. The “acting” here is hilarious.

Credit: The Jerk, YouTube

“Will you let me interview you on camera?”

_“No.”

“You know that I will report this as it happened, but the other networks and the newspapers will only dwell on the fact that this is the third man you’ve killed.”

_{“I had no uzzer choice.”}

“Then say that in front of the camera. Let the public see that you’re not some kind of monster.”

_{(slightly annoyed) “I said no.”}

“You’re im-PAH-ssible.”

And so we’re given a subplot about Steger being maligned in the media and his girlfriend leaving him for a woman that I think is supposed to earn sympathy from us.

Ingrid types up her manifesto in Millard’s living room. “I’m going to send this to every newspaper in Munich.” she declares. “The United States government and its citizens will no longer be allowed to escape the consequences of their fascist acts. By arming numerous dictators around the world, they have caused millions to suffer oppression, torture, and death. American property and lives will be destroyed in retaliation for such acts, until… these crimes against humanity cease.”

Zarrah Whiting in Satan’s Black Wedding

The Professor tells her the only way to bring about change is to blow shit up and hands her the plastic explosives. She plants them at the post exchange store. If you’ve seen even one Millard movie, you know he lacked the resources to pull off an explosion, so what did he do? Skipped over it completely and had his wife report on it. “Eight people are dead, including two children.” Irmgard informs us, from a building showing no signs of damage.

Luke pays a visit to an old friend (Ray Myles), a Russian intelligence officer named Sergei Goncharoff after an exploitation/porn movie editor. Luke pronounces it “Sir Gay”, pausing between the two syllables. If anyone knows about homosexurality, it’s gotta be Sir Gay. I’ve now seen Myles play an Italian, a Mexican, and a Russian in back to back movies. The range. The versatility. He has that Heinz 57 look. I’d believe any ethnicity. The men are such good friends that when Sergei’s family was killed in a car bombing, Luke tracked down the bath turds responsible (I say “bath turd” instead of bastard because what’s worse, a boy born out of wedlock or poop in your bathwater?). As it turns out, that’s how Luke lost the use of his arm. His wife left him shortly thereafter. His backstory parallels Steger’s.

Luke asks Sergei if he knows who the terrorists are. Sergei says Helmut just asked him for a sniper rifle. Luke wonders why he would need such a thing. Sergei theorizes that La Guerra Del Puebla wants to assassinate President Jimmy Carter, who is due to arrive in Munich next week on his way to Berlin. It appears this movie was made sometime between 1977 and 1980. Nick & Irmgard Millard, Hans Grabinger, and Marland Proctor were photographed together in Munich in 1977 (bottom). Luke compares the assassination to one that occurred fifteen years earlier, obviously referring to JFK’s murder in 1963. That would be 1978. Later, a gravestone reads “1940-1980”. The release year of the movie is commonly given as 1988. However, the back of the World Video Pictures clamshell VHS reads 1983. Either way, Carter was long out of office by the time people saw this!

Luke barges through Helmut’s front door, demanding answers. He slaps him repeatedly, though Proctor’s hand never touches his face. More and more blood just accumulates on it. Luke gives Helmut til the count of ten to tell him who his buyer is. At the last second, Helmut blurts “The Professor!” A third man interrupts the interrogation. They play another game of peekaboo. Luke somehow wins, despite being outnumbered and crippled.

Such fruity wallpaper for a weapons dealer. Does he live with his grandmother?

Luke drops by Sergei’s again with the new information. Sergei says the Professor might be a brilliant “intelligence analyst” he worked with, whatever that means. Sergei agrees to give the man’s name only after verifying that he is in fact a terrorist. His plan is to ask him, unarmed, in private. What could go wrong?

Irmgard runs into Luke at a Wassily Kandinsky exhibit. They head to a cafe with outdoor seating. Thank you Millard for the fascinating shot of the espresso machine filling their cups. Irmgard hits on Luke, asking where he lives and if he has a family. Luke assumes she’s fishing for details about the case. Irmgard is offended. She insists that her only concern is getting to know him. Luke apologizes. Don’t admit mistakes. Maintain dominance. There is a quick montage of them enjoying each other’s company set to some shitty flute music. It sounds like a joker wandered into a recording studio and messed around with the first instrument he saw. The rest of the soundtrack is basic, repetitive snare drumming, which gives the proceedings a military feel.

The Professor arrives at Sergei’s house. Sergei advises him not to assassinate President Carter. The Professor tells Sergei to mind his own business. Sergei is like aha, you’re not denying it! Nothing slips past this guy! He informs the Professor that he’s giving his name to authorities. The Professor pulls out a gun. Sergei turns his back and is shot six times. Did he really expect the Professor to surrender?

Luke is awakened by a call notifying him of Sergei’s demise. He answers the phone the wrong way, twisting his arm upside-down. Irmgard is lying next to him in bed. Sheesh, Proctor got more tail in these movies than any of us could ever hope to, combined, and made it look easy. It’s just something we have to deal with. As I mentioned last time, it’s a shame Proctor died so young. I’m really starting to like him as an actor. I was not surprised in the least to read his official cause of death was drowning in pussy.

Dr. Loomis would be proud.

Who does this?

Meanwhile, the Professor tests out a sniper rifle supplied by Helmut’s brother Karl (Millard himself). If Karl already had a sniper rifle, why did Helmut have to procure one from Russian intelligence? And why is Russian intelligence in the business of selling weapons to random German civilians? Who ate the fourth plate of dog food in Criminally Insane II? Were MacReady and Blair infected at the end of The Thing? We’ll never know.

Karl then phones Luke, offering key information. It comes at a high price — $50,000. He instructs Luke to go to a church, alone. Luke takes a tram there. It’s an ambush! Karl fires at Luke from a grassy knoll (the famous hillside from all of Millard’s movies). These actors were clearly in different locations. They probably weren’t even on the same continent! The enemies play a third game of peekaboo. Predictably, Karl is killed. Steger walks up. Luke suggests they get drunk. There is another quick montage of them chugging steins of beer.

They stumble into a place with a sign reading “Naked Nude”. Cue unrelated footage of a juicy little “tomato” as Nick Millard called them performing the ultimate courtship display. First, she snips a hole in the front of her underwear, exposing her pubes. Then, she carefully pulls a few tufts through and gyrates. How seductive. Keep thrusting, baby! After a moment, she takes her panties off anyway. What a waste! They’re ruined now! Finally, she squats over three bottles. Vaginal shenanigans are left to the imagination. When a woman does this for you, you’re legally obligated to gift her parents a cow. Pack a lunch, cos this scene lasts for six minutes. My favorite part? The cameraman exhaling creepily!

Can our horny, hungover heroes stop the Professor? I won’t spoil everything, but I will say the movie ends quite abruptly before President Carter shows up, in the nexus of the universe, Nick Millard’s house. According to the major Abrahamic religions, our souls go there when we die to act out “Gunnel Kjellin” scenarios for eternity. Many people who have had near-death experiences report entering a salmon-colored light and glimpsing various ghouls, gluttons, and gunmen.

To borrow another line from Bert, “This thing just flies by,” leaving me wanting more. It reuses the credits from Alcatraz Breakout, or vice-versa, which are full of European pseudonyms for nonexistent people. They list a screenwriter, electrician, wardrobist, script supervisor, and production administrator. I doubt Millard even bothered to perform these duties, there’s no way he paid others to! He’d be the first to admit he couldn’t afford it.

When it comes to these kinds of movies, I usually just ask myself, was I entertained? If yes, the movie was good. That makes The Terrorists great. What my friends’ wives insist is “not real”, I call endearing, hilarious, fun! It’s an absolute treat. One of Millard’s best. It amuses me how I can write that and a fellow fan will rank it among the worst. Millard’s movies tend to provoke strong reactions. It’s rarely a “meh”. Personally, I don’t see how anyone could sit down with this and not get up with a smile on their face. I give it 5 underwear holes out of 5. If I was connected, I would have funded a million Millard movies, cos right now the world needs to laugh. In my book, Millard was a winner. He had a loving family and had a blast pursuing his dream.

Cheers 🍻 Stay happy, stay healthy, stay winning ✌️

Credit: Nick Millard

The Terrorists was uploaded to YouTube a few months ago by the channel Obscurity. Its full frontal nudity makes me nervous. I used a browser extension to download it before it disappears and advise you to do the same. Until then, enjoy. As always, comments are welcome.

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