Goblin queen Creedence Leonore Gielgud is said to be fuming over news that mysterious Santa Mira-based company Silver Shamrock Novelties has been harvesting hunks of the megalithic monument “Stonehenge” for use in their manufacture of microchips.
“This is an absolute travesty! The Stonehenge magic stone is the source of my goblins’ power!” she tweeted last night in a fury. “Everyone knows that!”
Her tweets have since been deleted.
Several sources report that Silver Shamrock Novelties has in fact been implanting its microchips into a new line of children’s Halloween masks. Rumor has it these masks will react to a special televised broadcast scheduled to air during Halloween night, and will cause all children wearing said masks to become piles of bugs and/or snakes for an as-of-yet-unspecified, but presumably super nefarious reason.
The goblins of Nilbog have been very vocal in their disapproval. The intense looking shopkeeper, for one, took to Tumblr to vent his frustrations. “We’re a farming community of twenty-six people. We can’t afford to go head-to-head with these big-time corporations.” he wrote. “We depend on those kids for nutrition. We serve them milk that is high in vitamin content, and then we eat them. It’s the only life that we know.”
President and CEO of Silver Shamrock Novelties, Conal Cochran, is undeterred by the Nilblogger’s plight. He issued a statement this morning via Facebook: “We totally didn’t take Stonehenge. Dunno what that’s about. Also, we are not and never have been involved in ritual human sacrifice. Everything’s chill.”
He went on to say, “It’s time. It’s time for the big giveaway. All you lucky kids with Silver Shamrock masks, gather round your TV sets and put on your masks and watch. All witches, all skeletons, all jack-o-lanterns, gather round and watch. Watch the magic pumpkin. WATCH.”
He and a fleet of emotionless, middle-aged men in grey suits were later seen crossing the Utah state line with power drills in hand.
We’ve reached out to mass murdering boogeyman Michael Myers for comment, but as of this writing, he hasn’t returned our Skype call.
We’ll keep you informed as this story develops.
—ace reporter, Gentry VanZanzibar