Paul

For decades, the topic has been fiercely debated. Some fans believe Paul is dead, while others contend that he’s very much alive. An argument can be made either way, so which is it? Let’s examine the evidence and see if we can’t get this sorted.

One urban legend you may have heard, dating back to the sixties, alleges that Beatle McCartney died before Sgt. Pepper’s could enter production and was replaced by a perfect double of equal or greater talent. Why else would an act bigger than Jesus quit touring? Proponents claim the band covered this up, but hid cryptic allusions to such in their artwork and lyrics. By combining lines from “She’s Leaving Home”, “A Day in the Life”, and “Lovely Rita”, a theory emerged that McCartney crashed his car because he was ogling a meter maid.

The iconic Abbey Road image contains sundry clues to his death. For starters, the quartet appears to be leading a funeral procession. John Lennon is dressed like a priest, Ringo Starr a funeral director, and George Harrison a gravedigger. Conspicuously, Fake Paul (or “Faul”) is barefoot, out of step with his bandmates, and holding a cigarette in his nondominant hand. The license plate of the Volkswagen Beetle behind them reads “LMW 28IF”, meaning McCartney would have been twenty-eight years old if he were alive at the time, “LMW” standing for “Linda McCartney, Widow” (alternately, “weeps”). If that’s not incriminating enough, at the end of “Strawberry Fields Forever”, Lennon utters what many interpret as “I buried Paul”. Additionally, when “Revolution 9” is played backward, a voice repeats “turn me on, dead man”. The more creative you are, the more clues you’ll uncover. These are the ones that I find most compelling.

Credit: Pitchfork

Officially, as of this writing, the real McCartney is still bangin’ around. It would be rather amusing if he outlived Starr. Although the legend above has been soundly debunked, it’s a fun rabbit hole to explore. I place it alongside these others I was led to believe as a gullible youth:

• the scream in Ohio Players’ 1975 hit “Love Rollercoaster” is that of a model being stabbed to death by their manager over a lawsuit
• a Munchkin hung themselves on the set of The Wizard of Oz
• Disney cartoons are full of subliminal sexual imagery/audio (this is at least partially true)
• a ghost appears in Three Men and a Baby
• Marilyn Manson is Paul from The Wonder Years, all grown up, minus ribs

The mystery I’m addressing today pertains to a third Paul, whose fate is much more ambiguous. Paul Holt is a pivotal character in Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981). As the owner of a counselor training center opening on Crystal Lake where eight people (including mass murderer Pamela Voorhees) were hacked apart five years earlier, safety is Paramount to his operation. He’s introduced giving a speech about going back to survival basics. If there’s one thing he wants to impress upon his teen pupils, it’s good vaginal hygiene. Why? Because uterine linings attract wild bears. Or at least people thought they did.

Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

Apparently, this too is a myth. According to bear.org, no evidence exists that menstrual odors precipitate ursine attacks. “The misconception began in 1967 when grizzly bears killed a menstruating woman and a woman… approaching menstruation in Glacier National Park.” Premature warnings were issued by government agencies.

Paul doesn’t know they’re inaccurate. He’s only trying to help. He spreads the word in good faith out of kindness, same as religious folks trying to save sinners’ souls. Paul protects the vaginas of every camper he meets, and that’s a cause I can rally behind.

His assistant/girlfriend Ginny shows up mid-speech, driving a broken-down, backfiring VW Bug (!). This embarrasses Paul, who reprimands Ginny for making him look bad. He does so privately, wishing to keep their relationship quiet and separate from work. Just because Paul and Ginny are dating doesn’t mean she’ll get preferential treatment.

The protagonists make up that evening over passionate kissing. Ginny starts telling Paul that her Aunt Flo is visiting. Paul cuts her off. He’s having sex, no ifs, ands, or butts (anal), so he goes to her pad and pulls a few strings. When Ginny awakens, a message is scrawled in red on her mirror: “BEWARE OF BEARS”. I pray Paul used lipstick. How nice of him to inform her. What a guy! Here he is.

Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

Halfway through the movie, Paul, Ginny, third-in-command Ted, and six of their twelve trainees depart camp for a night on the town. Paul assigns Jeff and Sandra to lodge-watching duty as punishment for sneaking into restricted areas. Terry also hangs back. Scott feigns tiredness, hoping to fuck Terry. Mark and Vickie join them. One by one, these horny characters are bumped off by Jason, Pamela Voorhees’ facially deformed, mentally handicapped son.

By the time Paul and Ginny arrive at the crime scene, all six of their friends have been slaughtered. Ginny’s gut tells her something is wrong. The feeling is heightened by the sight of a second bed soaked in blood. Jason lunges forth from the shadows, narrowly missing Paul. The two men tussle to the floor. Only Jason rises. Ginny escapes through a window. First, her period. Then, bears. Now, Jason. What’s next?

After a tense game of cat and mouse, Ginny runs to a cabin, where she hides under a bed. Jason enters moments later. While he searches the room, a rat frightens Ginny so bad that she pees. Either smelling her urine or hearing it trickle with bear-like ability, Jason turns around knowingly. Assuming he left, Ginny crawls out to see that he’s actually standing atop a rickety chair. Luckily, the chair breaks under Jason’s weight and he comes crashing down, leaving him stunned. Ginny revs up a chainsaw she put away earlier. Jason is so scared by this that he clumsily trips backward over a table. Instead of doing the smart thing and amputating his arms and/or legs, Ginny smashes a chair across his spine and calls it a day. That barely affects Homer Simpson. Did Ginny think it would stop Jason Voorhees? To be fair, he’s not at full power yet, not an irresistible, Terminator-esque force of nature. Here, he’s just kind of a klutz.

Credit: The Simpsons, Disney, Frinkiac

Ginny flees into the night. She eventually comes to a shack owned by Jason, assembled from random materials, containing a shrine to his dead mother’s head. Future Jason would never waste time constructing a home or using it to sleep, as this version presumably does. Well, I guess we don’t know that he built it. We’re making a lot of assumptions. Ginny barricades herself in the shrine room. Jason hacks at the door.

Throwing his mother’s old sweater on, Ginny uses her child psychology schooling to bamboozle Jason (Tommy Jarvis employs a similar technique to great effect in Part 4). She tells him he’s done a good job and his mission is over, all the while raising his trademark machete. At the last second, Jason snaps out of his hypnotic state and blocks Ginny’s attack. Paul appears in the doorway and wrestles Jason again, allowing Ginny to unleash her PMS — powerful machete strike. She embeds the Central American brush-clearing implement deep into Jason’s left shoulder, almost down to his heart. We’re focusing on Paul today, but let’s take a minute to recognize Ginny. She’s the coolest, toughest chick in this series. Period.

Paul and Ginny hike back to the piss-coated, rat-infested cabin. Soon, they’re startled by faint scratching noises. Preparing for battle once more, they breathe sighs of relief when they realize it’s Terry’s dog, Muffin. Suddenly, just like the end of Part 1, an unmasked Jason bursts through a window, grabbing Ginny and pulling her out. Dude is really cramping her style.

Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

You’d think it would be rather obvious whether Paul lives or dies, but the action stops there. Ginny awakens being loaded into an ambulance, frantically asking for Paul. Her inquiries yield no answers. Instead, we zoom in on Pamela’s mummified head till the image freezes. This shot used to be longer. Pamela’s head, portrayed by an actress in prosthetic makeup, opened its eyes and formed a sinister smile, hinting that Jason killed Paul. However, the supernatural visual was deemed too hokey and was therefore removed from the final, theatrical cut. Despite this, many fans still came to believe the ending is a product of Ginny’s imagination.

Confusingly, screenwriter Ron Kurz intended both the ending to be real and for Paul to be dead. If Jason grabs Ginny, how does Paul wind up dead? That’s never made sense. Paul saves her, then… what? Jason leaves Ginny lying unconscious? Why?

Leaked footage.
Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

I’m of the mindset that we viewers must go by what happens — or doesn’t happen — on screen. Production info and books can be useful, but nothing takes precedence over the films. Paul’s death, Pamela’s smile… none of that is shown. The way it is now, Paul disappears between scenes, Ginny asks where he is, and the credits roll. We’re left with a few options. Did Paul go for help? Is he standing offscreen, recounting his version of events to a detective holding a notepad? Was he already loaded into an ambulance? Or, was he in fact slain, having gone the way of old Eleanor Rigby? The lack of a definite answer invites speculation, spurring debate. To solve this mystery, we must analyze it for hidden meanings, Abbey Road-style. Put on your tinfoil hats.

The first clue I want to inspect is Muffin, Terry’s fancy lapdog. Muffin’s presence at the end is a huge, blinking sign that something is off. Let’s rewind. While the counselors are jogging one morning, Muffin wanders into the woods, up to the feet of a stranger presumed to be Jason. As she nervously whimpers, the point-of-view shot looking down cuts to wieners on a grill, signifying the dog is dead meat, so to speak. Terry calls out for Muffin. There is no patter of puppy paws.

The very next scene, Jeff and Sandra sneak off to explore Camp Crystal Lake, known colloquially as “Camp Blood”, where they come upon the eviscerated remains of a critter Jeff claims is too mangled to identify, but is clearly Muffin. After a cop returns the curious couple to Paul’s training center, Sandra asks Jeff if they should tell Terry about what they saw. Jeff says as far as he’s concerned, they didn’t see anything. This is all very deliberate.

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A small set of fans refuse to believe that Jason is capable of harming a dog, ignoring the graphic image above and a campfire story in which it’s rumored that Jason subsists on wild animals. According to the trivia section of Kane Hodder’s IMDb page, Jason was supposed to kick a dog near the climax of Part 8, but Hodder nixed it, claiming Jason would never do such a horrible thing. This monster butchers a pregnant woman for no other reason than being in the wrong place at the wrong time and nearly sacrifices his own infant grand-niece. With all due respect to Kane Hodder, he was the tenth person to play Jason and was maybe third or fourth best at it, so he doesn’t make those decisions, even though he apparently did. There’s also the matter of Gordon, a golden retriever whose fate is almost as controversial as Paul’s. When Gordon flies out that window in Part 4, is it murder, self-preservation, or suicide? Either way, Jason causes his death, assuming he dies. Let’s not pretend canine cruelty is some taboo Jason is unwilling to break.

The second major clue that what we’re seeing is factually unreliable is the weapon embedded in Jason’s shoulder. At the start of Part 3, Jason removes it on the floor of his shack as he crawls away, before grabbing Ginny (It’s important to note that Parts 2 and 3 were directed by Steve Miner. The hotshot retconning his contributions was him.). These inconsistencies bring the reality of the ending into question. Is it all a nightmare?

Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

Answering that requires an understanding of how closely this sequel follows the template drawn up by Sean Cunningham’s original. There are quite a few parallels. For instance, the owner of the camp is romantically linked to the final girl, the couple that has sex arrives with a prankster, whose name is three letters long and ends in E-D, Kevin Bacon’s equivalent is impaled in bed, and it storms the night of the murders. The biggest similarity between the two is their jump scares. In both films, Jason lunges forward in slow-motion, grabbing the final girl from behind. His window stunt here is staged exactly the same as when he drags Alice into the water, leading me to believe that both scenes are real, or both are dreams.

Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

I don’t consider the ending of Part 1 to be “real” for two reasons — the policemen who rescue Alice would have seen the attack, yet don’t remember it happening, and Jason is fully grown two months later. The ending of Part 3 is unequivocally a dream. A decayed Mrs. Voorhees pops out of a shallow inlet, head re-attached. If you take that literally, I dunno what to say.

The original ending of Part 4 is of interest as well. Trish finds her mother submerged in a tub full of blood. Mrs. Jarvis then opens her eyes, while Jason slashes at Trish. “This was done because the other Friday the 13th movies had [a] terrifying dream sequence at the end.” director Joe Zito recalls in a commentary track recorded for the scene. Clearly, Mr. Zito was under the impression that all the previous endings were dream sequences, too, and felt obligated to honor them.

So, taking into consideration the start of Part 3, the endings of Parts 1 and 3, the alternate ending of Part 4, and Joe Zito’s claims, it’s reasonable to conclude that the ending of Part 2 was also intended (by Miner) to play as a dream. It’s purely hallucinatory, like Magical Mystery Tour and Yellow Submarine. If that’s the case, the only reliable shots we have of Jason’s face in Parts 1-5 are Chris’ flashback to being molested, Jason taunting Chris, and when he gets his ass kicked by Corey Feldman. So where does reality transition to fantasy? Your guess is as good as mine.

Ponder this. Ginny removes Jason’s sack while he’s stunned. If she really sees his true face, we’d expect the depiction of Jason with long, scraggly hair and a beard who grabs her to be totes legit. However, he’s shown the next day in Part 3 from a distance completely clean-shaven. Unless he busts out a razor prior to swiping those clothes, he was always bald. Why would Ginny hallucinate Jason with long, scraggly hair, knowing he’s bald? She wouldn’t. This makes me think that our dream sequence commences before Jason is unmasked, but after he’s incapacitated (as the shoulder slashing carries over to Part 3). This means the last time we see Paul for sure is on the floor of the shack, suggesting he does die, below our field of view.

Credit: Screen Rant, Reddit, Scooby-Doo, Warner Bros. Entertainment

Is there anything else we can go on? Affirmative. At the start of Part 3, a news anchor announces that eight corpses have been recovered. His figure merely accounts for the onscreen deaths — Crazy Ralph, The Cop, Scott, Terry, Mark, Jeff, Sandra, and Vickie (Alice’s death occurred five years earlier, at her house). Ginny is called a survivor, though not “sole” survivor. No mention is made of Paul either way. Ginny is said to be suffering from “severe hysterical shock”. That’s on top of the bloating and mood swings. Hey, it’s better than toxic shock!

What does this prove, in regards to Paul? Nothing! Here’s where the trail goes cold. With no definitive answer, I return to my first point — we never physically see Paul sustain serious damage. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, I choose to believe that he rides off into the sunset, blood-stained penis flapping majestically. Some say he dies. I say no. You say goodbye. I say hello.

This is my humble interpretation. My wishful thinking. What’s yours? I welcome all takes in the comment section below. The reality of the situation is, all we can do is form our own theories. Making sense of this series is nigh impossible. Don’t let faceless assholes tell you you’re wrong, or that an entry sucks for contradicting the lore, then turn around and praise this one, cos that starts here. From the opening bell, inconsistencies pile up just as fast as the bodies. For example, Sean Cunningham’s original tells and shows us that Jason drowned as a boy. In Part 2, he’s miraculously grown two months later. The story is changed so that Jason lived or was wrongly assumed to have drowned (perhaps he splashed to the opposite shore), got lost, and grew up in the woods, at no time making his way back to camp, where his mom worked for at least one more year. Ok. How is he present to see her decapitated?

Exhibit B: Jason drowned because nobody kept an eye on him. Here, it’s explained that his body was never recovered. If nobody witnessed him drown and his body was never recovered, how was it even determined he drowned?

Credit: Paramount, movie-screencaps.com

Exhibit C: As I understand it, the town, camp, and lake all bear the name “Crystal”. Off the top of my head, I can’t recall if the lake is referred to as such in Part 1, though it is for sure in the novelization by Simon Hawke, based on Victor Miller’s screenplay, so that was at least the intention. Chapter 1, Page 6, line 7 reads: “A shy child, quiet and strange, went swimming alone out in Crystal Lake.” Paul’s signage, however, refers to the body of water as “Packanack”. Why does it have two names?

Exhibit D: How does Jason track Alice down, and where does Alice reside? Even supposing it’s in Crystal Lake would mean Jason hikes for some distance, past the kid singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider”, holding his mother’s severed head, with a sack on his own, and that nobody noticed or cared. In Part 1, Alice mentions possibly having to go back to California. If that’s where she is, are you telling me Jason makes the incredible cross-country journey on foot? It’s also implied that he calls Alice. Where did he get Alice’s number? A phone book? Can Jason read? I venture no.

And what about these little plot holes? The mayor in Part 5 is adamant Jason was cremated. The town is renamed “Forest Green” before the events of Part 6. Both developments are tossed out the window in subsequent entries. The contradictions go on and on. Picking them out is as simple as shooting fish in a barrel. The series is more erratic than a late-stage Vince McMahon-controlled episode of Raw. That’s why it’s fruitless arguing over the timeline, or what’s canon. We fans put more effort into understanding the saga than its writers/directors ever did. If they don’t care, it’s not worth a flame war. So, form your theories, cos that’s what we do, just keep it civil, and have fun. Should you feel the urge to school a newbie, follow McCartney’s advice — Let it Be.

Channel that energy into honoring the man who may or may not make the ultimate sacrifice for Ginny and her precious vagina. When all is said and done, Paul’s fate remains an open question, reminding us to never stop seeking the truth, no matter how elusive it may be. Alive or dead, he lives on in our hearts, and his message echoes through time.

Credit: Ohio DNR

Credit: The Simpsons, Disney, Frinkiac

Profiting From Misery

Ha, you fools! It was all a test! I faked my death to see who really cared, just like that wrestling magnate who raped his employees. Anyway, here’s a video I made a few years ago to gauge interest in “top 5”-type content I was going to monetize for some extra cash. Nobody watched it.

Bananas + Booties

I’ve been sick for a month and a half and was already sick for a week in October. My children keep bringing home bugs from the bioweapons development center that is their school. It’s germ warfare out here. This deadly new strain of whatever they gave me is proving too strong for my luscious dad bod. I fear it’s too late. In the event of my untimely demise, I’ve scheduled this post for publication. I leave all my possessions, including my Blu-ray collection, to my family. This blog will henceforth be run by Bal Bupta. In closing, let me say: good luck, Godspeed, and for some of you, I’ll see you soon. Cos the rules say some of you ain’t gonna make it. I didn’t. Not if you’re reading this intro.

Credit: Scream 3, Miramax

It can be hard for parents like me to find time for personal interests, but maintaining a sense of identity outside of “Mom” or “Dad” is crucial for emotional well-being. Juggling work, domestic responsibilities, hobbies, and/or creative pursuits requires a lot of practice and patience. Before having kids, I made peace with the fact that I would essentially be sacrificing myself for at least a few years. Doing so at the onset helped me avoid having an ugly, existential crisis. As busy adult horror fans, we must ask ourselves if the moments we do set aside are best spent staying apprised of the latest releases, catching up on the classics, searching out obscure garbage, or revisiting old favorites. Back in my teens and early twenties, it was the first two. At this stage of my life, it’s the latter. Today’s movie falls under “old favorite”. It’s cinematic comfort food, akin to eating a warm pumpkin pie on a cold winter’s night. Scratch that, a bowl of chili is a more apt comparison.

I was exposed to the horrors of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at a very young age. It wasn’t until I reached high school or thereabouts that I rented the sequel, just to say that I’d seen it. I approached it cautiously, unsure if returning director Tobe Hooper’s involvement was a good thing or bad. Truth be told, I was scared. The original film is disturbing, and the cover of TCM2 freaked me out as a kid from the shelf at the video store.

Credit: Wrong Side of the Art

That’s because four of the five subjects look dead. It gave me an uneasy feeling. VHS covers contained flashy artwork designed to grab our attention and stir the imagination that often planted false impressions. Turning them over may have revealed a violent still frame or two, but normally those were concealed. In my experience, the fronts were largely appropriate. This box, however, displayed what I took to be murder victims, prompting questions about how they posed for a group picture. Were they zombies? Perhaps that explained the extra “Z” in “buzz”. What the Hell was going on? Pornography had its own room. Why were corpses allowed in the open? It seemed illegal. It’s impossible for children to differentiate between horror and horror-comedy. It’s all equally traumatizing. I had no way of knowing this image was a fun-loving parody of the Breakfast Club poster. I just knew something was wrong. I mean… how can you smile when you’re decomposing?

In the long run, my curiosity always wins out. One day, I mustered enough courage to rent the movie that haunted my strolls through the horror section. It’s been in steady rotation ever since. Without further adieu, let’s jump right in. Buckle up for another rambling adventure, this time to the Lonestar state. A text crawl summarizing the first film informs us that final girl Sally (now bearing the double surname Hardesty-Enright) became catatonic upon babbling her made tale to police, adding “Texas lawmen mounted a month-long manhunt, but could not locate the macabre farmhouse. They could find no killers and no victims. No facts; no crime.” This sequel unfolds over a “wild and woolly” Texas-OU (college football game) weekend, ten to fourteen years later. According to the trailer, poster, and VHS cover, it’s ten. The text crawl says thirteen. A character, fourteen. A newspaper, thirteen, then fourteen. As none of these sources agree, I’m taking the average. Twelve. Next up are the credits.

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

Our story begins on the open road. We’re shown a row of mailboxes along a rural highway. The first thing we hear is the song “It’s a Shame” by Timbuk 3, an amazing band I got into because of this movie. They’re best known for “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” and have lots of clever lyrics satirizing American life. “Big Shot in the Dark” is a favorite of mine. It’s about losing touch with yourself as you age. It keeps hitting harder the older I get. “Assholes on Parade” is good too, if depressingly topical. TCM2 has an exceptional soundtrack, courtesy I.R.S. Records. Also featured are Torch Song, Oingo Boingo, Concrete Blonde, Roky Erickson, The Lords of the New Church, and Stewart Copeland.

Music is my life!

A pair of obnoxious high school seniors fly by shooting holes in the mailboxes and signs for the Alamo and Battle of San Jacinto, either illustrating that Texas has a history of violence, or that Texans never surrender. The driver, Buzz, is wearing an effeminate pastel yellow sweater. His name functions as both a clue to his well-deserved fate and nod to his penchant for drunk driving. His passenger, Rick the Prick, has on a suit coat and holographic novelty glasses. Buzz enjoys screaming “Hook ’em horns!” — the catchphrase of Longhorns fans. Rick giggles incessantly. I can’t wait for these nitwits to bite it. Their license plate, “FAH Q”, tells us all we need to know about them.

In his commentary track for the 2006 DVD, Hooper identifies them as yuppies. I wasn’t clear on the difference between “preppies” and “yuppies”, so I consulted the “internet”. My research indicates “preppies” are students or graduates of prep schools from old money, whereas “yuppie” is short for “young urban professional” (alternately, “young upwardly-mobile professional”) and refers to trendy materialists in big cities with high-paying jobs. It sounds like there is some overlap. Time magazine declared yuppies dead five years after this movie came out. Hooper included them here as he felt they symbolized the 80s.

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

Buzz and Rick call the request line of a rock n’ roll station serving the Burkburnett/Dallas area on their state-of-the-art car phone (note: the movie was actually filmed five hours south of Dallas in Austin). A young woman going by “Stretch” played by Caroline Williams answers. I’m afraid to ask how she got her nickname. Buzz and Rick proceed to insult her. Stretch begs them to hang up because she and her loogie-hocking co-worker LG (who’s so cool he has his own name tattooed on his arm) lack the ability to do so on their end. The yuppies instead run a pickup off-road, live, on air, playing chicken. The truck has a big American flag on its gate. Also, its horn goes “Ah-oogah!”. Never mess with Yeehawdists. The ones in this film are the most sane you’ll meet.

Later, the yuppies call back. Stretch is again forced to leave the line open. As night falls, the insufferable cunts come to a bridge that extends forever across the Atlantic out into space. The truck is waiting for them. It reverses, pacing their car. A cloaked figure climbs atop the moving vehicle. Strapped to its front is a mummified corpse. Though it’s not explicitly stated, this is the unnamed Hitchhiker sporting the wine stain birthmark from Part 1. The surviving family members keep his spirit alive by treating his earthly remains like a talking puppet. His fraternal twin brother Chop-Top is driving. Chop-Top was deployed in Vietnam when the Hitchhiker died. The cloaked figure produces a chainsaw and tears through the roof of Buzz’s Mercedes. I’ll give you one guess who it is.

Buzz neither brakes, nor accelerates. From his perspective, he’s being attacked by a revenant. “No One Lives Forever” by Oingo Boingo starts playing, all but sealing his doom. Rick stands up and shoots. The Hitchhiker’s head flops to one side, exposing a skin mask behind it. Leatherface, also referred to as Bubba, then mangles the driver-side door of the car. Rick is so busy screaming, he only returns fires once, missing completely. Shifting our gaze back to Buzz, we see that his head has been sliced through. The top slides off, causing fountains of blood to spew forth in a rather spectacular stunt-effect brought to us by Tom Savini. Suddenly, Stretch hears a crash and the line goes dead. As she and LG were unable to disconnect Buzz’s call, the double murder was broadcast in full and captured on tape. The tone is set for the rest of the film. After this, you’re onboard or you’re tucking and rolling.

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

As was the case with the last sequel I wrote about, this one is totally different than its predecessor, so much so it’s the opposite. I compare it to taking a big gulp of what you thought was your Pepsi and tasting orange juice, or vice-versa. The original film is of course a groundbreaker that changed the landscape of horror. It’s quite macabre, yet nowhere near as explicit as one would assume, given its title or reputation. Art director Robert A. Burns took pride in how little blood there is during its kills. Part 1 suggests grisly violence, allowing our minds to complete the image. Part 2 depicts it.

Hooper argued that elaborate special effects were the norm at the time and he didn’t want to be left behind. “Between the middle-70s and the 80s when this was made, films had gotten extraordinarily graphic.” he recalled. “If you didn’t have gore in a film… they didn’t like it.” That’s a poor rationale, but I can respect it. This was a much bigger production with extra zeroes in its budget, meaning there was more pressure to hit a home run. At the end of the day, directors bow to producers, whose sole concern is turning a profit. Still, I’m kind of surprised Hooper followed the flow. Balancing one’s own artistic vision, evolving trends, and studio demands must be challenging. The gore the merrier, I say, as long as it’s all in good fun.

Another big difference is mood. It seemed to annoy Hooper that nobody “got” his original. He felt it was funny, and chose to focus on that for the sequel, exaggerating its subtle black humor to such an extent it became an out-and-out horror-comedy. I get the impression he purposely overcorrected to prove a point. Consequently, TCM2 loses that realistic “documentary style” the 1974 classic brings. Hooper’s entries progress the same way as Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead series. The first is scary. The second is funny. I think TCM2 was misunderstood for a long while because audiences expected an updated version of the old one. The only thing worse than telling somebody I’m a wrestling fan and hearing “You know that’s fake, right?” is telling them I’m a horror fan and hearing “They’re not even scary.” Horror movies are lots of things. They’re goofy, thrilling, tragic, disturbing… Above all, they’re entertaining. They don’t always have to be heartstoppers. However, the first movie is genuinely one of the most terrifying of all time, so that expectation was going to be there.

The third major difference that jumps out at me is location. Part 1 takes place in and around an isolated farm house. Here, major cities and highways are seen. You no longer have to break down on the family’s property. They come to you!

The next day, Dennis Hopper‘s character, Lieutenant “Lefty” Enright, drives up from Amarillo to survey the crash site. He’s been tracking the killers across Texas and is soon revealed to be Sally and Franklin’s uncle. Legal justice is the furthest thing from his mind, though. He’s out for blood. Buzz’s car is found wedged under an overpass on the interstate, which makes about as much sense as K-OKLA’s phone setup. Lefty orders the condescending asshole in charge of the investigation to run a story in a local paper soliciting tips. That story, “Cowboy Chasing Chainsaws”, paints him as kind of a joke. Stretch responds to the hit-piece in person, but Lefty is oddly dismissive and shoves her out his door. It’s like they’re having two separate conversations.

A defeated Stretch settles for reporting on the annual Texas-Oklahoma Chili Cook-Off, coincidentally won by Old Man AKA the Cook, (Jim Siedow, reprising his role) for the second year in a row. The Cook’s name is given as Drayton Sawyer. Get it? Saw(y)er? Drayton is handed a trophy overflowing with chili that comically slops on his jacket. The host takes a final taste of his dish and bites something hard — a fingernail or tooth, I’m assuming. Drayton pockets the object and laughs it off as a “hard-shelled peppercorn”. Asked what his secret is, he replies “It’s no secret, it’s the meat. Don’t skimp on the meat.”

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

Previously, it was up to us to decide whether Drayton’s gas station barbecue business was on the level. Hooper eliminates the guesswork this time. It’s confirmed by narrator Vern Stierman (The Legend of Boggy Creek, The Town That Dreaded Sundown, Faces of Death) that Drayton sells human flesh, here from a food truck he owns called “The Last Round-Up Rolling Grill”. If you believe what Drayton tells Sally — “I just can’t take no pleasure in killin’.” — the others do all the dirty work. I have my doubts about that, based on how much he seems to enjoy the two dinner scenes.

Jim Siedow is an absolute treasure. His larger than life personality steals the show. The moment he opens his mouth, he’s a hundred feet tall. Ignoring cameos, Siedow holds the distinction of being the only actor to appear in more than one original Chainsaw movie.

I should explain that I consider Parts 1-4 a single continuity because Leatherface is “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III” and Next Generation’s title card acknowledges “two minor yet apparently related incidents”. Plus, Next Generation introduces the “W.E.” mentioned in Leatherface’s title crawl. It’s not some arbitrary decision I made. Next Generation was written and directed by co-creator Kim Henkel. In that one, Henkel changes the family’s last name from Sawyer to Slaughter. A sign at the Cook’s gas station reading “WE SLAUGHTER | BARBECUE”, could likewise be read as “W.E. SLAUGHTER | BARBECUE”, possibly indicating the Cook’s intended name was W.E. Slaughter all along.

On the surface, Siedow is also the only connection between Hooper’s entries besides Hooper himself. However, there are more than meets the eye. For instance, crew member Lou Perryman here plays LG. Ed Guinn, the courageous Cattle Truck Driver, can be seen holding a triangle when Drayton accepts his award. And composer Wayne Bell returns as “production sound mixer”. Lastly, if I’m not mistaken, Robert Kuhn invested in both, as well as all other entries produced during his lifetime (that is, until 2020).

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

Next up is the best part of the movie. The camera pans over a small hardware store and sign reading “Cut-Rite Chain Saws”. Lefty pulls in. The owner is fielding an ornery caller named Ceil (short for Celia, one would assume). Without saying a word, Lefty fans out $900 in cash on a table and starts grabbing saws off the wall. He tries the biggest one on for size first.

The impetus for the original film was a shopping trip to Montgomery Ward. In Hooper’s words: “There were these big Christmas crowds, I was frustrated, and I found myself near a display rack of chainsaws. I just kind of zoned in on it. I did a rack-focus on the saws, and I thought, ‘I know a way I could get through this crowd really quickly…’” The scene feels inspired by that, but Hooper denied it; the business was real and he happened upon it exactly as is.

“What can I do ya for?” the shopkeeper asks while he makes his way over. He bears a resemblance to cartoon character Crankshaft, plus every old guy I’ve ever seen or encountered in rural Wisconsin. The mesh baseball hat, glasses, tucked-in button-down shirt, chest pocket pencil, slight paunch and stoop… He’s got it all. Silence. Confusion crosses the shopkeeper’s face. He scans the room with a puzzled look, unsure what to make of the situation.

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

Lefty grabs a smaller saw in each hand and waves them around. The shopkeeper leans back to avoid being hit.

“Well, don’t you wanna test ’em?” the shopkeeper, listed as Cut-Rite Manager, asks. “Hit them suckers a time or two.” he says, motioning to a set of logs in the parking lot.

Lefty revs up the big saw, then hacks away like a madman wielding an axe. His form is awful. He won’t be placing in any extreme timbersporting events.

The shopkeeper’s expression is priceless. He’s never been so disgusted and fascinated at once. His puzzlement quickly gives way to exhilaration. He flips from skeptic to believer in six seconds flat. “Oh, my achin’ banana.” he quivers. What does that mean? The huge, phallic saw, Lefty’s aggression, or both are exciting him sexually? That’s how the censors interpret it. An upload of a TV broadcast I came across contains the “oh”, but not the rest of the scandalous phrase.

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

The shopkeeper somehow gets even more into it. As sawdust flies through the air, he halfheartedly bounces and pumps his fists at his sides like he’s watching a tense boxing match. “Damn!” he squeals. By the end of the scene, he’s laughing maniacally. I guarantee that if Lefty yelled Follow me!, this man would drop everything and jump in his car, no questions asked. He’s the compliant accomplice who goes along with the serial killer and ends up copping a plea bargain. His transformation from mild-mannered business owner to raving lunatic is a little concerning, but so very funny. Find yourself a partner who looks at you the way Cut-Rite Manager looks at arboreal desecration. Not even Hank Hill is this dedicated to propane and propane accessories.

How fun would it be if Cut-Rite Manager traveled the horrorverse, crashing analagous demonstrations? Hey! There he is cheering Ash on from the sidelines of Evil Dead II! And wouldn’t you know it, that’s him losing his mind in the backgrounds of Motel Hell and The Guardian! Wherever gas-powered tools are used irresponsibly, Cut-Rite Manager will be there to get weirdly invested.

Upstaging a talent the level of Dennis Hopper is no easy feat, yet, I almost forget he had a career with Cut-Rite Manager doing his thing. His amusing if baffling reactions steal the spotlight away from Jim Siedow, turning him into the highlight for me. He’s my favorite character by far. Yes, I’m serious.

I was blissfully ignorant thinking this God of a man was either some random coot they allowed to be in the movie, or the store’s actual owner. Today was as good a day as any to learn that he was a local actor with dozens of credits to his name, James N. Harrell. This information diminishes Cut-Rite Manager’s mystique ever slightly. Nonetheless, I stand by my ranking.

[potty break]

The scene above can’t be topped, but the show must go on. Stretch arrives at her radio station to find Lefty waiting. He’s reconsidered. He implores her to play the recording on air, so he’ll finally be taken seriously. Stretch is hesitant, citing FCC regulations. Lefty insists that she bend the rules. Stretch agrees, justifying it as a request. They shake hands and Lefty departs. Stretch plays the recording.

Drayton is still riding high from his chili cook-off victory and nothing can dampen his spirits, except for what happens next. While driving home, he’s notified of the circumstances by Chop-Top and Leatherface. He turns his radio on to confirm. A faraway look of disbelief washes over his face. “You nap-haired idiots! You’ve done it again, you coon shits!” the eccentric, ill-tempered entrepreneur screams into his business phone. “You fudge packers! You’ll be the death of me yet!” I love how he uses anti-black slurs against his white relatives. I should clarify, these three are supposedly brothers, despite the fact that Drayton is twice their age.

They have a, shall we say, “interesting” family dynamic. Drayton assumes a fatherly role. His duties are working and reprimanding the others. While he alone holds a job, it’s Chop-Top who serves as the primary provider, using his disability compensation to pay for their home and food truck. His spacey, laidback demeanor shields him from Drayton’s verbal assaults, though he harbors a bit of a mean side as well. Leatherface is the battered housewife, also exhibiting traits of a teen boy. He oscillates between being submissive, rebellious, and showing an interest in girls.

The clock strikes midnight. Stetch curses Lefty for running late, implying they set a trap to catch the killers that wasn’t discussed on screen. LG leaves to buy coffee. Stretch gets an ominous ghost call and hears noises coming from out in the lobby. Might as well go investigate 👀

Stretch walks through a door to an otherworldly realm marked by dueling red and green lighting. Waiting there on the couch is an ashen ghoul (Bill Moseley) wearing bell-bottom jeans, a cowboy vest, and a hideous wig. Picture the creepiest stalker you can, now make him an albino hippie who dropped too much acid. Drayton maintains a normal-enough public image. Chop-Top is unfit for all forms of social interaction. He proceeds to intimidate Stretch with a string of bizarre, funny lines, pausing every few seconds to heat up a coat hanger, pick at his scalp, and nibble the bits of gunk off the end. It’s ironic, his family trades in human flesh, but he’d rather eat himself. Under his terrible wig is a fully exposed metal plate from an injury sustained in the Vietnam War. Chop-Top’s whole gimmick is gold. He and Drayton are extremely quotable, dispensing tons of creative insults. I could probably recite most of their dialogue by heart.

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

Leatherface (Bill Johnson, not the special effects artist) roars out of a record vault, providing the film’s only decent jump scare.

Sparks shoot from Chop-Top’s head. “Not me, you dumbass!” he cries. “Get the girl! Get the girl!” His night is ruined when he lays eyes on his tattered hairpiece. “Leatherface, you bitch hog! Look what you did to my Sonny Bono wig-do.” he moans. “Oh, goddamn! I can’t believe it.” Then, nervously feeling his plate, “He’s gonna send me back to the VA hospital… well, at least ya didn’t mess me up. Hehe.”

Stretch bolts behind a familiar sliding metal door to a room that exists for no other reason than housing cases upon cases of Shiner Bock beer, today’s sponsor. Just like your favorite horror flicks, Shiner Bock delivers a satisfying experience by way of its rich, malty flavor and smooth finish. Whether you’re battling monsters on screen or enjoying a quiet night in, Shiner Bock is the perfect companion. Cheers to unforgettable scares and unbeatable taste with the official lager of horror fans everywhere… because even the darkest moments deserve a delicious twist! Use promo code “Dog Dick” to get 15% off your first order at checkout.

Credit: movie-screencaps.com, bonanza.com

Shades of the Kool-Aid Man, Leatherface smashes through a wall into Shiner country. Grabbing a bottle, he winks at the camera. “Mmm-mmm! Those German specialty hops are to kill for!” Stretch falls backward onto a tub full of ice-cold refreshments. Her legs are spread, exposing her thighs. Leatherface saws through the ice, soaking said gams. He likes what he sees, and develops a crush on poor Stretch. Soon, he’s rubbing the dripping wet tip of his phallic symbol against her crotch. Stretch plays along by asking how good he is. After a moment, Leatherface snaps and destroys the control room. He keeps doing this jig where he holds his weapon of choice overhead and shakes it from side to side while fast-stepping in place. On his way out, he turns and thrusts his saw toward Stretch. She looks repulsed. Stretch is a great final girl. She’s quick-thinking, resilient, and can really scream her head off.

LG returns and is wacked 962 times on the dome, leaving him stunned. Chop-Top asks Leatherface if he took care of Stretch. Leatherface nods, completing his face turn. He just wants nookie. Don’t we all? I certainly sympathize with this pitiful, lovesick puppy! Leatherface helps Chop-Top throw LG into the bed of their truck. They burn rubber. Everyone in this scene does an excellent job.

Initially, Hooper wanted both Gunnar Hansen and Edwin Neal to return. However, agreements couldn’t be reached. Hansen stated he turned down the role because he was offered “union scale”, meaning minimum wage. Some sources claim he may have accepted, but took too long to commit. Bill Moseley was cast in place of Neal from a parody short he made and sent to Hooper’s office during production of Poltergeist titled The Texas Chainsaw Manicure. Moseley’s demented, stuttering performance is an imitation of Neal’s, who based his own on a brain-damaged paranoid schizophrenic nephew. Again, there is nothing explicitly stating the characters are different. Officially, they’re fraternal twins, though a casual viewer might assume they’re the same. We’re expected to fill in the blanks.

Credit: Tubi TV

Stretch follows her tormentors to an abandoned, Texas Revolution-themed amusement park Chop-Top purchased with his disability settlement and refers to as “Nam Land”. Lefty arrives shortly after. He admits he used Stretch as bait. It was all part of his plan to flush out the killers, and it worked. LG dies a horribly painful, protracted death, but… that’s war, I guess. If you wanna make omelets, you’ve gotta break a few eggs.

Stretch unexpectedly falls through some boards down a hole to a subterranean funhouse-type lair. It’s string lights and bone sculptures as far as the eye can see. While navigating a tunnel system, Stretch is captured. Lefty runs in holding his big saw, the little ones comically holstered like pistols. Shouting prayers, he cuts through support beams. His erratic behavior just goes to show that heroes can be as unhinged as the villains.

Skipping ahead now, we come to perhaps my second favorite part of the movie. Stretch awakens tied to a table as Chop-Top and Leatherface carry their 137-year-old grandfather into the room on his chair built of bone. “Grandpa” is mute and largely immobile. The idea behind him is that he’s so ancient he became an infant again. His descendants spoon-feed him an all-liquid diet to keep him “alive”. We learn via Drayton that Grandpa worked for a slaughterhouse called Atlas Rendering, where legend has it he once hammered sixty cows to death in five minutes. He quit when they introduced bolt guns and other automations because he enjoyed butchering cattle by hand. Assuming he kills people too, this is presumably why he began. Drayton claims Grandpa taught him and his brothers all they know about meat. He would have been well past a hundred for the childhoods of Chop-Top and Leatherface.

Credit: movie-screencaps.com

While Hooper did make an effort to be different this go-around, he also rehashed several things, most notably the dinner scene. Like Sally before her, Stretch is bent over a metal wash basin as an offering to the patriarch of the Sawyer family.

“Hey, Grandpa, Bubba’s got something to show you here.” Drayton smiles. “Look, a slurpy booty! Ah ha ha!”

I love the enthusiasm. “Slurpy booty” is such a great word pairing. I dunno what it means, but it makes me laugh every time. It’s probably the way Drayton cracks himself up. His buck-toothed grin is infectious. You can’t spell Slaughter without laughter!

For me, the expression in question carries a sexual connotation. It sounds like a cat call you’d hear on the street. Damn, girl, that booty be slurpy! Honestly, I’m astonished it hasn’t caught on in this age of Mix-a-Lot-ian BBL worship. Is Drayton saying he wants to lick Stretch’s ass? How impolite! Mind your manners, mister! She is a guest in your home. You’re not being a very good host!

Credit: movie-screencaps.com, Know Your Meme

Drayton encourages Grandpa to one-shot their prisoner. After a few feeble attempts, Drayton grabs the hammer and hits her himself.

“Alright, slurpy booty time!” Chop-Top exclaims, passing his ancestor a ladle of blood.

Based on this, it would seem “slurpy” refers to the actual slurping of blood, whereas “booty” translates to “woman”. How long have the Sawyers/Slaughters been performing this ritual? I just imagine a sprightly, 110-years-young Grandpa surprising his broodlings by taking them out for their favorite meal. “Yay!” diapered versions of the brothers applaud. They pile into a Studebaker, abduct a woman, and vampirize her. “I hope this day never ends.” Baby Leatherface cries, sniffing back tears of joy. Maybe that’s what Franklin meant when he called them “a whole family of Draculas”!

Readers, I need your opinions, so we can settle this once and for all. Firstly, what is a slurpy booty? Secondly, does Stretch qualify? I’ve enclosed an image of her wearing cutoff rhinestone jean shorts for your careful consideration.

Thanks to Lefty, Stretch escapes. The film cuts out with her doing a chainsaw dance reminiscent of the one Leatherface does to close the original, suggesting she’s gone insane. In older versions, the camera pulls back to show traffic, symbolizing the soulless nature of existence. Nobody cares if you’ve been through Hell, or your dog died, or you’re sick. They still get up and go to work in the morning as usual. The world keeps turning. Life marches on, regardless of personal struggles. Speaking of which, it appears we’ve reached our destination. Thanks for coming along on this ride. Next stop: the end of the line. I died, remember?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is a blast. Pure insanity. I adore every second — though, I can see why some people don’t — and could easily write you a novel on all the stuff I left out. Give the movie a chance if you’re bored.