The Scariest Part of “Friday the 13th Part VII” — Russel’s Uncle

Ask any fan what Jason Voorhees’ best look is and there’s a good chance they’ll tell you Part VII’s, which only makes sense as that entry was overseen by the under-recognized special effects master John Carl Buechler. Jason is at his most skeletal there. Having been chained underwater for many, many years — the agreed-upon amount is ten — large portions of his skin are worn through, just completely eaten away. His teeth are visible through his left cheek, and 90% of his vertebrae are exposed, as are his finger bones. On top of that, he sports a heavy chain around his neck the whole time like a dog that’s broken out of its yard. The visage makes for a lasting visual. Part VII also marks Kane Hodder’s first of four appearances as the character. Hodder is widely considered to be the best Jason actor, although I’m partial to Ted White in The Final Chapter myself.

Credit: Pluto TV

With that said, The New Blood isn’t a movie I revisit often unless I’m running through the entire series. I remember loving it as a kid, but since growing up, it’s been one of my least favorite sequels. Try as I might, I haven’t been able to recapture the fun I had with it in my youth. I randomly popped it in again a few weeks ago, and, well… meh. The viewing didn’t do much to improve my opinion of it, however, it did leave me with a newfound appreciation for a throwaway line I never really noticed before.

“He’s gonna shit.”

The basic premise of the movie — beyond “teenagers die” — is that a young woman named Tina has returned to her childhood home on Crystal Lake to confront the fact that she accidentally drowned her own dad as a kid, and receive treatment from a psychologist who’s secretly out to exploit her. Like Carrie eleven years earlier, Tina possesses powerful, often dangerous psychokinetic abilities which only manifest when she’s highly emotional. Instead of helping her, all that dastardly Dr. Crews cares about is documenting her powers by any means necessary.

In the house across the street, a bunch of teens have conveniently gotten together to throw a surprise birthday bash for their friend Michael, who dies early on, unbeknownst to them. Heartthrob Nick invites Tina over.

After she says her hellos to the party-goers, focus shifts to the kitchen, where two girls stand talking next to a pizza. Drinks line the counters. A preppy-looking twat named Russell walks in. The house belongs to his uncle.

“What is this? Will you look at this? The party hasn’t even started yet and already this place looks like closing time at the stock exchange.” Russel bitches to his girlfriend. “They’re eating my uncle’s food. We’re supposed to bring our own food. He’s gonna shit!”

Now, this might not sound funny to you, but it cracks me up because I’ve never heard the phrase “he’s gonna shit” used to mean “he’s gonna be angry”. Have you? The closest I’ve heard is “have a shitfit” and “go apeshit”. I’ve also heard “shit a brick” and “be scared shitless”, which both mean to be frightened. Those ones actually make sense to me, as it’s not uncommon for people to lose continence in moments of genuine fear — like when Ginny pees in Part 2 while hiding from pillowcase Jason. Pinching loaves off in anger, though? That doesn’t strike me as a normal physiological response. That seems like more of an alpha move someone would pull to show dominance.

I don’t think it’s the actor’s delivery of the line “he’s gonna shit”, or even the line itself that makes it so stupidly funny to me, it’s the mental image it conjures, of a man so enraged that he shits where he stands, all because some young punks touched his pizza.

Watch out, this guy means business!

I’m trying to imagine how enraged I would have to be to just vacate my bowels. I’ve been mad, but never poop-my-pants mad. This guy apparently reaches that point over… I don’t know, how much does a frozen pizza cost these days? Five bucks?

I know this line wasn’t meant to be taken so literally ⁠— in all likelihood, it probably wasn’t even meant to be funny ⁠— but it makes me laugh nonetheless. I can’t stopping picturing the bizarre scenario play out in my head, and wondering what else Russel’s uncle would do if pushed further. Like, what’s the next step after shitting? Violence? Murder? Terrorism? The moment Russel delivers his line, stoner David breaks a lamp and Tina drops a glass. These two incidents are enough to make me concerned for their safety, but unfortunately that’s just the beginning.

With Tina’s help, Jason is freed from his watery grave. One of his first actions is ripping the cables right out of the party house’s electricity meter thingy. Then, he proceeds to kill Russel and quite a few of his friends, getting blood everywhere. He flips over couches, and shatters two windows. Worst of all, he leaves the refrigerator door hanging open, spoiling the rest of the poor uncle’s food. I swear he does it on purpose. When Tina sees Jason exit the house, she uses her powers to bring down the roof, collapsing the front porch as well. All in all, it’s a heck of a lot of property damage.

If Russel’s uncle shits ⁠— whether figuratively or in the literal sense of that word — over pizza, goddamn pizza, I shudder to think what he’ll do when he finally comes home to find his house half-destroyed, his nephew dead, and his precious groceries gone bad. Whatever he does, I’m sure it’ll make Jason’s rampage seem tame by comparison.

God help us. No one is safe.